If I'm in Bombay today, living a very different life compared to my rather simple upbringings in a small city in the north-east ( although, I did study college in this city itself ), its majorly connected to my ambitions. When I see the story of an Indrani Mukerjea who left her native city for something big...I can't help but compare myself with her. I find certain similarities too, but that's where the similarities end as well. I had lots of aims to reach the top and had headed straight-forward towards that goal too. Maybe, I had a few crushes along the way as well, which I gave up on my road towards success or ambition ( whatever it is called, duh ). Thankfully, though, I don't have any hidden hubbies or kids midway ( OMG! neah...I'm bold, but not that BOLD :| )
I wanted to be a name in the creative field ~ be it music or books; and the industry in Bombay was obviously the place. I took up jobs related to my commerce subject ( a shocker really, for me too as to why on earth I chose that subject ) in order to survive, to reach that goal of mine. And believe it or not, as soon as I had enough money in my hands ( to make the album I always dreamt of ), I got about doing just that. Such driven was I by that just one dream ( of many ). I even made one in collaboration with a prominent name in the music field. But somewhere along the process of making it, as I got a closer view of how the industry really works ~ my interest waned. I was no longer smitten or awed by it all. Glamour, name, fame didn't interest me anymore. What were the very things that perhaps someone like Indrani chased, I found frivolous and withdrew. I certainly didn't want to be in the spotlight or rub shoulders with the who's who of Page3 or have truck loads of money. Well...money always helps and I did try to sell whatever copies I made and recover my investment too. But that was it. Beyond that, I was just not interested pursuing mindless ambitions. Music and writing are still major loves of my life, but am I as ambitious as I was to reach the top - well, no! And I'm so glad about it.
I have this not-care-a-dime kinda attitude, that somehow has crept upon me ( for which I am thankful by the way ), that those very things I was so attracted to during my growing up days and wanted to be so desperately part of ~ now simply repels me. I've seen the facade behind it and that's why I'm least bothered. I see people following stars, tweeting/ retweeting their crap like crazy fans and I'm like hawhawhaw!
I had got into blogging, when I was practicing to write fiction ( my other aim to publish a novel as it was ). I came across couple of blogging communities. At first it was fun, all their contests/meets and all. Soon, I lost interest. I started seeing the facade in them too. The artificiality of it all was glaring. The biasedness and favouritism was so blatant that it made me withdraw. I didn't want to be part of such a scenario at all. Maybe, I'm just a misfit, lol. Cos' whatever things others get so awed by, I start losing interest. Maybe, that's simply what/how I am :-) Let others be blinded by such frivolities and bask in the artificiality & fakeness of it all, I'm happy to be miles away from such.
Things that used to make my jaw drop in Awe once.....now makes my jaws open in a big Yawn... #Boredom #Detachment
— ☆ ♪ NandiniDéka ♫ ♡ (@NandiniDeka) September 6, 2015My lack of ambition or growing detachment is also related to the back-to-back deaths I had seen, a while ago, both in my family and in the neighbourhood - that left me wondering - is it worth it at the end of the day? I'm just happy to survive another day and live each day as it comes ~ more importantly, for myself. I no longer have the dying ambition to 'wow' others, but just have the need to stay as grounded as possible. This gives me contentment. Of course, I also have a streak in me to be a vigilante, hence, perhaps my inner conscience doesn't let me go awry, but instead, pokes me constantly to awaken other's inner consciences too. I may not be very successful in doing that, but what's the harm in trying, right? I, thus, speak up whenever I see any wrong happening, not worrying about consequences, repercussions or the persons/entities concerned. Collecting enemies it seems, eh ;-)
Very well expressed and it is the real truth. Name, fame everything will fade away one day and only what matter will be the our good deeds. Name and fame earned by morality and honesty is the best but who cares for honesty in this world and honest people are always at the other end and morality......hard to find. People who maintain their morality and dignity may not get what they actually deserve but at least they will never feel low in their own eyes. Kudos for your post.
ReplyDeletevery rightly said @Vandana ...exactly my thoughts. thanks.
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