CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE

The morning newspaper read 'A girl committed suicide when she saw her boyfriend's insensitive Facebook status update about her which read >> Finally, dumped my future ex-gf. Happy Independence!'
Another headline read 'A girl committed suicide when her lover did not keep his promise to marry her.'
Yet another headline - A 10th grade teenaged girl commits suicide when she found herself pregnant with a child that obviously her lover didnot want.
A headline of a famous MTV VJ read that she committed suicide just a day before her wedding, as she had discovered that her fiancee still hadn ot divorced his previous wife.
A new headline - A super model in her mid 30's committed suicide out of drugs, depression and an unsuccessful relationship.
A headline 'A former actress in her mid 40's found dead at her apartment. Apparently, she had committed suicide. Another 19 year old actress had jumped off her balcony to end her life.
'Yet another girl found dead by hanging herself on the ceiling fan - a suicide note read, that she was sorry that she had scored less marks in the competitive exams, and thus, could not show her face anymore to her parents whom she thought that she had disappointed.
Another jilted lover commits suicide by jumping out of a moving train.

And more and more such headlines follows.
The victims in all or most of these cases frequently being 'young women'! And I ask why? Why give up on life so easily? Is your life not worth living anymore? Why?
Moreover, who on earth gave you that right in the first place to take your own life, and end it so horribly?
Are you such a coward or weak hearted person that you are not able to face the challenges that life throws at you, and you decide to take the easy option out by ending the life itself? Is your life not important enough for you that you are ready to throw it away just like that?
Does your life have no value? Don't you value your existence in this world?
All these questions rattle my mind when I read such headlines!!

Japan has the highest suicide rates in the world because the pressure of life over there is such that if you are not very successful in maintaining a certain standard of life, you are considered to be worth nothing. It is another thing that Japan has the highest number of men committing suicides as well.

Anyhow, lets take the examples of the young women suicide cases first in this topic. And for such frivolous reasons! Well, maybe for us outsiders the reason may seem silly and frivolous; and that same reason be serious enough for those victims to contemplate and commit suicide. So, maybe we should not judge. But then again I ask, why?
All of us go through so many challenging moments in our lives everyday. Almost all of us had a nasty break-up or got low marks at certain point of our lives. While most of us have overcome these difficulties or hurdles; yet, there remains these handful of them, so weak, who do not have the courage to face such a difficulty.
Speaking of myself, there must have been a number of times I found myself in unhappy situations and broken hearted too, not to mention scored awfully low marks as well.
Oh! Those were earth shattering moments! Work or Life abounded by so many frustrating moments! Sometimes the pain was terrible, unbearable; and it did seem easier to commit suicide and get rid of the pain altogether.

Yeah! I'll admit that on many occasions, I contemplated suicide myself too. Now maybe, this revelation would shock the hell out of everyone!!!
How could I myself try this evil, and then have the cheek to advice others on it, eh? But having gone through harrowing times myself, and having faced many a dark moments, I feel, I can understand best the mind of the person contemplating suicide. What goes on inside it.

I feel I can identify with the person, and the reasons why they try to take such an extreme step. But rest assured, its not something I fancy myself doing any more. Because, I have come to realise that my life is so precious to me that no way am I going to chunk it for another individual, or for any other frivolous reason. I've realised that the beauty of life is in taking up challenge, as well as facing it head on, and not running away from it.

Maybe, its easier to give advice not knowing what situation or pain another person is going through. But still, I feel contemplating suicide is the most foolish and idiotic thing to do. Now some of you may think that what right do I have to give advice to others, when I myself contemplated it several times? Isn't it double standards? Well, my answer would be, having gone through that road myself, I am a better judge of things and what I say should matter and prevent others from even thinking about committing such a folly.

Every time I thought of ending my life, the more precious it became to me. I started valuing my life more than earlier, when I had taken it for granted and wanted to end it. This realisation is very important. Also, that only God has the only right to take our lives, as he is the one who sent us to this world, and not us. What is life if you don't have the guts to face a difficult moment and overcome it? And nothing is permanent in this world, so pain would be a temporary phase too, with 'time' being the biggest healer.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, so would our dark moments have a better phase at the end of it. All we have to do is realise it, be able to see the silver-lining and value ourselves and our lives more. Readers would be curious to know which are the occasion when I tried giving up mine. Oh! There were several of them and some quite hilarious and childish. I laugh over it now whenever I remember all that, though at that time, I felt that it was the end of the world for me.

I was quite sensitive as a child, so, any negative words or criticism towards me would hurt me no end and keep me sulking for weeks. I used to have daily tiffs with my sister and sometimes with my mother too ( which is actually a part of growing up and quite normal to have arguements ). But I used to take it very personally. I loved praises, and I simply hated criticisms! While in the outside world I got a whole lot of praises, in my own home I was criticised 24x7. And knowing my sensitive nature, my sister would intentionally say hurtful things to me and criticise me all the time over my looks, my studies, my friends; infact, everything. She would find fault with me all the time. Many times my mom would take her side as well, who considered my sister more illustrious.

I felt suffocated, as though, the whole world was out to strangle me. My sister did manage to make me feel as though I was some low-life all through my school life. ( Her strategy was to keep herself in an upper dominating position which was nothing more than an ego-trip which I realised later on ). She would even say the worse of things at my choice of friends or my figure ( I was a gawky teenager at school ). And when my mother would join in too. Then, I'd feel quite humiliated. So, I wanted to end up my life and not remain a burden on them since both of them seemed to dislike me anyways. Both my sister and mother were like best buddies, and I was the outcast. Thus, I wrote the long suicide-note that I was going away forever as I was not important to them.

Clutching the note in my hands, I went up to our terrace and stood on its edge ready to plunge down 2 floors. As I looked down, however, a nagging thought came into my mind. What if I jumped down and didn't die, and instead broke my hands or legs? What will I do then? How would I walk back to the terrace with broken legs and jump all over again. I stood undecided with such thoughts storming in my mind. It would be far worse a life to live, as an invalid, than hear what 'bitchy' stuff my sister said to me everyday.

Hell! I could give equal dose back to my sister if she opens her mouth, but I would never get my legs back. So, suicide was cancelled. I tore up the note and burnt it. I was all prepared to face my sister now. I had learnt tae-kwon-do at school, so, who better than to practice it upon than my big-mouth sister, the next time she said anything hurtful? I got whole lot of confidence then. If my sister insulted me again, I would practice my tae-kwon-do 'chops' and 'kicks' on her, I decided. And I did it too, the next time when she opened her mouth to criticise. I had won! It felt good too.
Its an amazing feeling to put someone at their place, even though that person could be your own close relative. My sister too soon realised that she would have to watch out what she said to me.

My reasons for committing suicide suddenly seemed so silly to me. If ever I was down again, or felt a low self esteem ( like I previously felt ), I realised now that I had my own strengths which others did not have. I proudly flaunted my friends at them now. Who were they to criticise? Just being my sister did not mean that she had the right to speak ill of my friends or my friendship with them! Besides, my friends did not insult me like my own sister did, so why should I give up my life hearing her nonsense. It was better to enjoy with my friends, than be affected by her idiotic criticisms. And I also began to feel proud of the way I looked. So what if I was thin then! All super models were thin. Infact, it was the most fashionable thing to be. To hell with my sister's constant bickerings. She wasn't some Miss.Universe herself, so why should I care about her opinion. Come to think of it, maybe, she was simply jealous of me and ego-boosted herself, I thought. Anyhow, I was getting super-armed with confidence. In all the negatives, I found a thousand positives. So, I took back control of my life.

There was however the 2nd time when I contemplated suicide again. As broken hearted as I was, my first break-up shattered and left me disillusioned. I had a tough time dealing with it. Its too painful when inspite of your best efforts, your relationship hits the dead end. There seemed to be no meaning left in life. Whom are we to live for if the loved one is no longer with us? So for days and months I kept sulking. I thought numerous times to end my misery by ending up my life. I tried a couple of rebounds too ( dated other people ), but nothing seemed to work. I was just not getting attracted to anyone else, because, deep down my relationship had left me terribly exhausted and wounded. And 'time' was also just taking too long to heal it. So,unable to bear it anymore, one day I finally got ready to end it all.
There was going to be no suicide note this time. Just fade away into the oblivion silently, I had decided.

As I waited, first minutes, then hours passed. I had started to feel hungry. I hadn't cooked anything that day, so I called up the home-delivery and started ordering. Since the wait was going to be a long one, my menu had to be a long one too. I ordered two plates chicken biriyani, one large size giant pizza, one full chinese dish noodles and another full chinese fried rice, 1 bhel-puri parcel, 2 icecream with fruit salad and 2 bottles of 2litres Coke. Order done, I waited for the delivery boy to arrive.
No!! No one else was committing suicide along with me. All that food I had ordered was for myself. It was better to eat properly and then die, I thought. Who knows whether we will ever get to eat food again or not after we die. And I wasn't going to take any chances. Getting hungrier, I waited impatiently for the delivery boy to arrive, munching on the chocolate bars that I had with me!

Atlast, after about an hour or so, the door bell rang; and relieved, I rushed to open the door. I could not see the delivery boy at first, who was hidden behind the huge parcels that he carried with him. As I took the parcels from him, he tried to peak into my flat and asked, 'Party hai kya madam?'
Irritated, I wanted to slam the door at his nosy grinning face. Yeah! I'm having a Party of my upcoming death! Wanna Join in and watch me die? I wanted to scream at him. However, I simply muttered 'no' as I quickly paid and shut the door.
I switched on the Television and flicked through the channels until I found 'Tom&Jerry' on my favourite cartoon network. Meanwhile, I had opened the parcels and started picking on the food, and tried, one dish after another watching my favourite TV show. The food was damn delicious and I thoroughly savoured the taste of the yummy food that I ate. Soon, I had become full with plenty of food still left uneaten on the table before me. Suicide had to wait, because, I felt too sleepy now. And before I knew it, with a yawn, I fell asleep on the sofa while Tom continued to chase Jerry on the television screen before me.

It was couple of hours later that I woke up again. Once again, the sight of food greeted me, and I remembered that I had a pending suicide to commit. I changed the channel now to a music channel. I needed to think so I kept the volume mute. I watched the moving images in front of me on the screen as I took up the left-over chocolate bar again.
I tried to think about my ex. I knew, that he had moved on in life and was perhaps enjoying now with someone else. And here, I was driving myself insane wanting to die. No! Intending infact, to end up my life for him! I did not know how, but I was definitely contemplating it! Was he worth the sacrifice though? My mind asked. I would go away soon to an unknown place, where perhaps, I would never even get to eat the tasty stuff that I had eaten earlier that afternoon, and no more chocolate bars either, while he would continue to live and enjoy his life on this earth? If I die will he even feel anything? No! I don't think so. Else, in all these months, he would have tried to contact me. He did not care at all, so what the hell was I trying to do by giving away my life for someone who obviously did not care in the least about me.

Why should I let him affect me this way when neither me, myself nor any action of mine affected him any more? Why to die for a person who did not care for you? Rather, why not try to live for those who have cared for you, loved and valued you. Why upset those who have showered their love on you unconditionally?

Atlast, it all started making sense to me as my conscience tried to hammer some sense into my fickle mind. Why did I let someone else make me go so weak that I did not value myself any more. And moreover, the conscience is the voice of God. I would be insulting God by rejecting the precious gift that he has given me i.e My Life! Nothing could be more important than that. Perhaps, he had wanted to give me something better, hence, took the bad away from me.
After all, if God has made me see unhappiness, then, it would be God again who would show me happiness too. And I had to trust that. And even if I have to suffer in pain so be it. If I detach myself and don't hold on to things, then, I won't feel the trauma or the pain at all. But if we never let go then there's no end to our sufferings. Its all in the mind. All these brainstorming made me feel very hungry again. I raised the TV volume, and watched the programmes as I started to gorge on the food enjoying its mind-blowing taste again.

No! I was not going to give up my life so easily. So, my dear 'suicide' - I have to bid you bye bye for a very very long time, I thought to myself.
Hell! Suicide is shit! So, Bye bye forever!!! My conscience cheerfully agreed.

My life is far too precious to me, and I am gonna enjoy every moment that I get to breathe in this world. The only way I'll die is when God himself decides to take me away. Till then to hell with my ex or anyone who hurt me. To hell with suicide or death!
So, there now you have it why I abhor suicides! Why I consider these girls so foolish having thrown away the only precious thing that they had i.e their Lives! Always, remember that you are the most important thing in this world! And nothing else matters.

If you feel down and lowsy try doing some good you'll instantly feel happier and lighter. Respect yourself, and respect your life! You owe at least that much to yourself. Never let anyone influence you so much that you become an emotional slave.

Having confronted my own 'demons' & 'weaknesses' myself, I am a much happier and content person now. The world is so big! So many things to explore, so many things to do. So many new places to visit, so many new cuisines to try, so many new people to meet. ( And being a creative person myself, there is no dearth of creative material that I can produce as well). Thus, there can never be a dull moment if you really appreciate your time in this world and be grateful that you got the chance to live it.

Suicide is not just cowardly, but a crime to yourself. Appreciate your life. Be thankful about what you have rather than cry over what you don't have and waste your life fretting away or complaining and then ultimately taking the cowardly step. Suicide is also urged by the devil itself, hence, defeat it.
Lastly, if my article has motivated the reader to have a positive outlook towards life and face its challenges boldly or has helped in any manner, then I'll consider it as a job well done.
Thank you - ND

UPDATE : A shocking case of a 'happy' goa couple commiting suicide >> Read Here | Jiah Khan commits suicide >> Read Here & Suicide Note | Suicide Note, Suicide Note, Anandi suicide

It seems, its not always in the case of young women though. Recently, my own first-cousin younger brother did the unthinkable too. This young handsome boy in his mid-twenties took his own life...putting everyone in deep shock. Most of my life has been spent in Bombay, hence, he was one of my many relatives whom I met the first time only when my father was hospitalised and then, after a few days, had left for his heavenly abode. While everyone was confused and hesitant, he was the one who came forward to do the funeral rites of my father. I remember sitting with him while performing some of the rites. Its unbelievable that after just over a year later, in May'18, he left all of us. I never saw him after those rites. So hard to believe. He apparently was having relation problems with his fiancee and hung himself from the ceiling.

Another shocking incident was knowing of a fellow blogger's suicide. I don't know the reasons....but, strangely enough, I was browsing his twitter/blog just a week before he apparently committed the act ( or maybe during/ in between ). Intuition? Coincidence? And more weirdly, I came across a post of his where he wrote about contemplating suicide, but, who thought better of it later and instilled positivity into his life. So, how did he go weak and not been able to keep his own words, would remain forever a mystery.