If I'm in Bombay today, living a very different life compared to my rather simple upbringings in a small city in the north-east ( although, I did study college in this city itself ), its majorly connected to my ambitions. When I see the story of an Indrani Mukerjea who left her native city for something big...I can't help but compare myself with her. I find certain similarities too, but that's where the similarities end as well. I had lots of aims to reach the top and had headed straight-forward towards that goal too. Maybe, I had a few crushes along the way as well, which I gave up on my road towards success or ambition ( whatever it is called, duh ). Thankfully, though, I don't have any hidden hubbies or kids midway ( OMG! neah...I'm bold, but not that BOLD :| )
I wanted to be a name in the creative field ~ be it music or books; and the industry in Bombay was obviously the place. I took up jobs related to my commerce subject ( a shocker really, for me too as to why on earth I chose that subject ) in order to survive, to reach that goal of mine. And believe it or not, as soon as I had enough money in my hands ( to make the album I always dreamt of ), I got about doing just that. Such driven was I by that just one dream ( of many ). I even made one in collaboration with a prominent name in the music field. But somewhere along the process of making it, as I got a closer view of how the industry really works ~ my interest waned. I was no longer smitten or awed by it all. Glamour, name, fame didn't interest me anymore. What were the very things that perhaps someone like Indrani chased, I found frivolous and withdrew. I certainly didn't want to be in the spotlight or rub shoulders with the who's who of Page3 or have truck loads of money. Well...money always helps and I did try to sell whatever copies I made and recover my investment too. But that was it. Beyond that, I was just not interested pursuing mindless ambitions. Music and writing are still major loves of my life, but am I as ambitious as I was to reach the top - well, no! And I'm so glad about it.
I have this not-care-a-dime kinda attitude, that somehow has crept upon me ( for which I am thankful by the way ), that those very things I was so attracted to during my growing up days and wanted to be so desperately part of ~ now simply repels me. I've seen the facade behind it and that's why I'm least bothered. I see people following stars, tweeting/ retweeting their crap like crazy fans and I'm like hawhawhaw!
I had got into blogging, when I was practicing to write fiction ( my other aim to publish a novel as it was ). I came across couple of blogging communities. At first it was fun, all their contests/meets and all. Soon, I lost interest. I started seeing the facade in them too. The artificiality of it all was glaring. The biasedness and favouritism was so blatant that it made me withdraw. I didn't want to be part of such a scenario at all. Maybe, I'm just a misfit, lol. Cos' whatever things others get so awed by, I start losing interest. Maybe, that's simply what/how I am :-) Let others be blinded by such frivolities and bask in the artificiality & fakeness of it all, I'm happy to be miles away from such.
My lack of ambition or growing detachment is also related to the back-to-back deaths I had seen, a while ago, both in my family and in the neighbourhood - that left me wondering - is it worth it at the end of the day? I'm just happy to survive another day and live each day as it comes ~ more importantly, for myself. I no longer have the dying ambition to 'wow' others, but just have the need to stay as grounded as possible. This gives me contentment. Of course, I also have a streak in me to be a vigilante, hence, perhaps my inner conscience doesn't let me go awry, but instead, pokes me constantly to awaken other's inner consciences too. I may not be very successful in doing that, but what's the harm in trying, right? I, thus, speak up whenever I see any wrong happening, not worrying about consequences, repercussions or the persons/entities concerned. Collecting enemies it seems, eh ;-)